uncertainty

i.am.freaking.out

so scared about what will happen after graduation...yes i have a job...but this...this is different...my OWN money, my OWN apartment..MY OWN LIFE...yes, i'm excited, i feel so ready for this...but this isn't like...go to syracuse, come back after a few months, go to school and come back, etc etc...this is like...well its legit...

the uncertainty of the future gets me
excited.scared.ball of every single emotion that exists
it'll be a one day at a time thing, and im going to enjoy my last 4 months of school as much as i can, and then start this new part of my life in good spirits

i thrive on the uncertainty, i've had so much of it..between familial relationships, going to camp, israel, and college basically knowing no one...moving to dallas last summer, knowing nobody....i know i thrive on forcing myself out of my comfort zone, but getting there and convincing myself that its all going to be okay...that's another force to be reckoned with...the same thing that throws me out there holds me back...and that thing is me

i'm scared more of what i will lose...friendships that i've held on to...what will become of them now that i won't be in houston anymore and not up north...what about the others that i rarely get to see...i feel like lately i've done a lot of things that hurt people, which hurts me...the last thing i'd ever want to do is hurt someone that i care about, but i feel like that's all i've been doing...everything has been so shuffled up lately and I can't help but think...am i triggering these things...do i trigger people's anger? or am i just easy to get angry at...what makes this so? i am who i am and that's all i can be, but sometimes, even I see a problem with me..not who i am, but things that i do...little things...people have so much patience for me...and i always question, do i deserve this at all? i really hope that i am being as good of a friend to my friends as they are to me


there is too much going on in my head....this is a time where a lot of things are changing...and change i can adapt to, the uncertainty, i can adapt to, but i need some comfort..my friends, my family...i just worry too much, but it seems that whenever my life gets shuffled up, i lose an aspect of something that i hold closest to me