I'm a mess

completely and totally

my apartment looks like it got robbed, then a tornado ran through it, then it tried to swallow itself and vomitted itself back up because it was THAT disgusting.

My apartment's disorganization just reflects how lost and disorganize and a mess that my life is. i like my job but i really wish that I had something more promising waiting for me when i got home instead of my huge mess...I wish there was someone who wanted to be with me and hang out with me. I wish i could see my friends more often and I wish that i didn't let things bother me as much as I do...I am so so sad right now. I am going to be alone forever...being 22 years old, no relationship ever to speak of, never even had a guy really show interest in me..there's got to be something wrong with that...I can accept compliments but that doesn't mean that in my head I'm calling people on their bullshit...pretty, smart, whatever...yeah fucking right..if that was true i'd be in a different relationship arena completely. how about average, annoying, nerdy, boring..i think that's a lot more accurate...i want to be wanted, i want someone to get excited to see me...so excited that they can't contain themselves. I want to be fun, i don't want to be this boring ass girl who people pretend they want to talk to but really are like..i hope she shuts up so i dont have to pretend to be interested anymore....this just is not working..the sick part is that part of me wanted to stay at home in houston in my family's house last weekend and never come back..like for once..i want someone to come, see me and want to be with ME..not because a band came in, or something else is here..like am i not good enough? i feel like i have no worth with anyone sometimes, there's always someone else better and i'm a second...why am i a second when they are a first to me? i want to feel important and i just dont...i am failing at everything right now-studying, cleaning, being healthy..keeping my head on straight...i'm letting other people down and letting myself down and i really just feel like a BIG FAT FUCKING FAILURE