Growing and New Beginnings

So after this week, and after seeing a tweet from Maika Maile (There For Tomorrow's lead singer), I was like whoa, all of this kind of goes together...

RT @MaikaMaile: Growth > Change.

Earlier this week, my 18 year old sister, who has unfortunately been obese (but surprisingly confident about it) her whole life had her gall bladder taken out and a medically ordered bariatric bypass. Previously, she (and I) have been pretty lax about losing weight...pretty much fucking around being like oh year, it's okay to do this blah blah blah, but when I spoke to her a few weeks ago about the seriousness of the surgery and what it meant going forth in life after that surgery...She was so set on it, knowing exactly what it entailed, and that this wavering bullshit that we had been doing was just not going to cut it. I can't explain how proud of her I was after reading that message. I literally was tearing up. This surgery is going to mean so much for her future-a healthier life, feeling better about herself-she won't have to front (And she was such a strong fronter-if she had never told you anything was bothering her, you wouldn't know, but don't get me wrong, if something was bothering her, especially if it was because of you, you would know). I was so proud of her maturity and how she plans to handle it-I am so excited to see what this brings for her...and if anyone was wondering, the surgery went well and she's recovering fantastically at home.

As for myself, this one is kind of more mental than physical. Two years ago, I was going through a severe period of depression; the worst that I had ever encountered-it hit really bad during my sophomore year of college and continued heavily through the summer, letting up once I got back to school. Over that summer, I found that certain bands and band members made me happy, so I would fall deep into that world, because I knew enough about them to think certain things, but they were far enough away that they really could not hurt me. I was in my own world because the depression made it difficult for me to want to face my real world. I know this sounds nuts, but you'll have to believe me that depression does this. You hate your reality so much that you want to create this alternate reality and kind of convince yourself things about it. It's comforting, especially if there really is no one there for me. My friends at home were not living in Houston that summer, and my parents were dealing with things that I will not discuss on here. I was dealing with rejection and loneliness and it drove me to a forum for those over 18 who liked a certain band. From that, I met some awesome friends, but when my family found out about this, they pretty much freaked out-I had to get a psychoanalysis because this was SO unacceptable. Some of the friends that I met during this awful period of depression, and from other things from it have actually become some of my best friends-I don't regret my depression or am angry that it happened. I'm glad to find them, they, along with some other friends really helped me through it. Fast forward to now-I am out of college and finally living my adult life with a full time job, my own apartment, and I am happy. I have moved out and have really been able to find myself. I still have bouts of depression and anxiety, but that happens. I have really calmed down and now just enjoy the music of all of the bands that I like, and I don't let myself get too wrapped up in any one band. I also will not travel to shows unless it is in the DFW area. I have a life and things to do-that is one thing that was just ridiculous for me to do, and I realized it was making me sink lower and the depression would get worse when I was traveling, EVEN THOUGH the shows themselves were fun. It's hard to explain and probably hard to understand.

Yesterday, I was talking to a friend from college who had been with me through ALL of this. She told me a lot of things that I did not know. She and my other good friends were so worried about me through all of this, but they never said anything. She said that ultimately, even though they thought what I was doing was a little weird, a little off, and not something they would do, that since it was making me happy, and since it was me and they were my friends, that they were going to accept me and support me, but also make sure that I wasn't sinking any lower. I am so thankful to have friends like that-their reactions to it were better than those of my family. These girls were also the ones who were with me every day, hanging out and talking to me-they were the ones who I'd physically vent to-they really helped me get through it at a face to face level. Them, plus those who I speak to via text or IM really really helped pull me through the last of my depression. Of course all these life changing events-graduating and moving out really helped too, but I would not be where I am today without the ability to grow and the great friends that I have to help keep me sane when I was getting in too deep.

The fact that I really am out of all this and not regretting or ashamed of any of it is proof of growth right there-I would not have been able to make this post if I was not. I'm really proud of myself, and that I have been able to keep my interests just in a different way