this is

i'm laying in my bed with a massive pounding headache from holding in tears for...oh let's say 6 and a half hours.

i had such a fun weekend..until i ruined it for myself-club with T on friday, video chat with B and then hanging all day, all night, then all day again with L...it was all great until we went to that shop till you rock event. Demi was late (apparently sick) so it pushed everything back...i understand wanting to do things for your fans, but if you're sick, just cancel...you're human to, it's for your health, and your fans need to understand that and that they can't always get what they want..anyway so the demi frenzy sent L and I to nordstrom since i needed to get my bra measurements...well turns out i fucked up royally and found out taht every thing we spent on my surgery 5 years ago was for nothing, because i'm back to that pre op size. again. like relaly, i feel like shit..i feel like a fat good for nothing lump...i can't do anything, i always show up a mess-i hardly ever look put together..it feels like i just don't belong. my body is just gross... i eat healthy as much as i can, but i guess that's just not good enough....things are good but i'm not happy
twitter is a bad idea because it just makes me angry. all the time i see people wasting their lives and ugh it just makes me so mad..i hate when people don't use their potential...that was random and i am a failure...anyway so boob drama made me miss the band I came to see so I was more pissed...but now like..i'm an adult, i have to grow up..and the peopel outside my window screaming need to also...but like...my health is in serious jeopardy and it doesn't make sense to me. i rarely eat super fattening or oily foods yet i'm pretty much in a warning zone for cholesterol..okay somene is having a huuuge fight outside..this is BAD...like i'm fucking 22 years old..i should not be close to being put on cholesterol lowering medication...this scares me..my exhaustion scares me..i probably shouldn't be driving most of the time and distance that i do drive but i have to get to work and i have to get home...i can't seem to shut my mind up, i haven't had a restful sleep in a while, though i am sleepoing..i just feel as exhausted when i wake up as i was when i went to sleep...i can't not be doing things, and i think my neuroticness is just growing..i have no idea what's wrong with me...i'm alone too much, i'm lonely, i don't know what the deal is with some of my friends...i need to cut out toxicity in my life and keep the good stuff, just like i need to purge my damn closet...i am pretty sure im going to get yelled at so hard at work tomororw so i really should shut this off now...i just wish someone cared...like really cared..not just to say oh well...just eat healthy and exercise and lose the weight (thanks mom) but i dont know..be there for me...i guess its just that there is no one HERE...all the time...to help me out and get me going...and people are busy..and dont want to deal with stuff...i wish i could let myself do that for once...maybe my stuff would find someone else to bother...i never realized how huge and gross i got until today..i just looked back on the past few months..things that i let slide that i never did..and this is just not okay...even if i did join jdate, there is no way that anyone would even give me a second look...always was the girl that a guy looked past to see her friends or who she was with, and always will be...its not even a second best issue...it's more like an 'oh were you there too, i didn't even notice' type of thing..and im feeling it all over