laying low

so i'm really into the laying low right now...i feel like whenever i open my mouth, i'm doing something wrong or upsetting someone...a lot of my friends have soo much awesome stuff going on...i just don't want to get in the way or ruin things...which i know that i do...people just like to be nice and not admit to it...

i've been trying to lay low here...and i know i need to lay off the alcohol...at least until new year's eve and a decent amount after that...i've been having a great time going out with my friends, but after last night and waking up with a hangover...in addition to being all over exhausted, i know i really need to take it easy with the alcohol and staying up late...at least with the alcohol...haha way for me to keep going back on myself

i keep seeing people from my jew bubble, and high school (jew bubble is basically my whole life)..people that i literally haven't seen in at least 4 years; since when i went to syracuse, i basically fell off the face of jewston..but now that we are all of age, we all go out to the same bars...its kind of cool because i've had a really warm reception so far, but its just kind of weird...i never felt like i belonged with them, even though i grew up with them and did the same things that they did...to be honest, i've never felt like i've fully fit in anywhere...its gotten better and i feel more comfortable with those people that i've met in the past few years, including my friends that i've retained from high school, but there's still this little piece of me that feels like i really don't fit...i don't know if i will ever find that feeling of actually truly fitting in with someone or a group of people...i love my individuality though...

so back to the whole blast from the past thing..its weird to see them out..i used to go out of my way to not see them, but now i have been...its fun, but weird because all the different groups and cliques are there, but since everyone kind of knows everyone...in some weird way (classes, sports, parties, school) its all just...yeah, hard to explain, whatever

i still wish i could lay low from my family for a bit..things are fine..dad wants to spend time with me, so does mom...i feel like...confused i guess...i really want to spend time with both of them, but i wish i could have a lobotomy and rid myself of all the shit that goes on between everyone and just spend time with them...i really miss that...a lot...everything is so stressful now..with all the lacks of communication and time splitting and bitterness towards whoever...this is why i can't be here...and why even talking on the phone is difficult sometimes

i have been going to the gym...feels good to have a workout, even though..well no one really LIKES to work out all the time, but really what else am i going to do? i can't spend too much money, i can't just sit around and eat...i'm going to start baking some more...more reading defintely...all part of the laying low-ness...i really want to go shopping, but i hate having a lack of an income...and i know everyone's like..well just get a job...i can't get a job for 3 weeks...it won't work, and yes i applied for a bunch in syracuse but i didn't get a call back...i am hoping to get a job next semester so that I might be able to have some extra cash or something...

dad and i are going to dallas on the 8th to look at apartments in the area and scope it out for my new living arrangements...then going to the stars-islanders game that night and then mississippi the next day for my great uncle's birthday

i can't believe the apartment thing is really happening...moving out and real life and stuff...im excited but scared, but so ready to do something that is me