life as i know it...

where i am now is absolutely crazy and surreal...

i'm a second semester senior at syracuse...i'm seriously holy shitting about this...i am beyond excited to graduate and move out, but then again...my views on syracuse have changed so much since I started there as a lost, miserable freshman...it's going to be weird not seeing everyone, but i am going to have to keep in mind that those who i matter to, and who matter most to me...we will stay in touch..i've seen this with my high school friends and I know it's possible...

I am almost positive that I have a job...I say almost positive because I have not gotten the official offer yet, so I haven't signed anything...this job means moving to a new city (Dallas) and starting a new life...MY OWN LIFE...financial independence...being an adult (hopefully not a boring one)...i'm just so excited but nervous about it...its like...there's a lot that I have to work for...but im excited to start this new part of my life

and obviously i would never be able to do it wihtout my friends..new friends and old friends...my family (yes, BOTH parents and sisters included...as much as they piss me off and i want nothing to do with them..it is true that I'd have no opportunity with out them...zero)

My friends..wow...i can't explain how amazing the people that I've let into my life are...they've got some big things coming up too...one's going abroad...a couple are going back to school, still in school, or getting jobs...regardless, we're all on our way to becoming...us..yes cheesy i know, but this shit is hard!!! and i can't express how thankful I am to have their support and everything as we all go through this...its tough shit to figure out...advice and support is crazy important...seriously

i do hate going home though...a lot of things here are just entirely too stressful for me...my parents' divorce..yeah it was 10 years ago, but they've had a feud over how my sisters and I are raised for those 10 years and my dad is pretty much an asshole about it...as in if things are not done his way, they are wrong and should not be done and are not acceptable...he's threatening to take my mom to court for more custody of my youngest sister...so far it's an empty threat, and his reasonings are not valid at all, but it causes so much stress...dad complains about mom all the time and its so uncomfortable, mom gets stressed out...and i get stressed and somehow caught in between...causing frequent panic attacks and really...i can't deal with it...i NEED to move away from it...i know that is nothing i should be involved in, but I can't help it...

then there's my grandparents...my mom's mother has dementia and her health is failing...i cannot go to her house without my mom being there because I am scared that I will catch her on a bad day where her memory isn't there...once she forgot who i was and I have not been able to get over it...my dad's father had a brain annheurism when I was about 5 years old, and then had complications with the scar tissue about 2 years ago...the effects of both of these are really starting to show now in his actions and mannerisms and its also just very sad...he's not as sharp as he used to be, and its just been very tough for me to deal with


so the good and the bad...the goings on in my life...i really try to keep positive...other people need me and I want to be there for them. things are looking up though...even with the few downturns that i run into.