i know its not personal but ugh

It seems like every time I have plans made for the weekend, maybe one plan works out...this time, none of it was personal, but i still get paranoid that part of it is way deep down that people don't want to hang out with me so ailments happen and I get shoved out of the picture..

or like..person has plans with these people all the time,but whenever i make plans with them they always fall through for one reason or another..usually it's real reasons but like...i don't know, my insecurities creep into my head and i feel like people don't want to hang out with me or think that i'm annoying.

i keep having this dream where i am forcing myself next to a guy and he pretends to cuddle me but really (since in this dream, i am omniscient i guess and can see things that i wouldn't be able to normally) he doesn't want anything to me but is just being nice for the moment...and i am almost 100% positive this has happened in real life (youth group trip circa middle school) and I guess that has really scarred me and I still have trouble believing that people are being sincere when they say they want to hang out with me...i know who my true friends are but like...i still have these feelings

i'm sick of people acting like a bitch to me or taking advantage of me..which makes me kind of nervous about this new endeavor and working on it with someone who i'm pretty sure wants to beat the shit out of me on some days...I hope we can get over that or get rid of that or that it's all in my head...

But right now I'm feeling just a little deflated and rejected...and super lonely...but whatever, it is whatever and next time is next time